Self Love 💕

Saturday, November 11, 2023

9:34 AM

As humbling as this is to say, I've struggled with body image issues for most of my life. For one reason or another, there was always something about myself that I wished was different. As a brown skinned girl, I couldn't help but notice all the lighter-hued girlies were getting all the cutest guys in school. I was teased about my hair, which at the time was permed, so I got teased about how flat and lifeless my hair was… can you believe that? And I'll never ever forget in middle school when a girl named Seanice (yes, I remember her damn name!) asked me if I was from Africa. Not because of the way I spoke, my accent (I have a Baltimore accent through and through!), or the way I carried myself… simply because of the way I looked. Middle school was the beginning of my self image issues.

20 years later, I am still breaking down the paradigms that would have me believe there was something I needed to change about myself in order to fully accept myself. Being under- or overweight was one thing, that I was fully in control of. But to feel beautiful, truly, I felt like I would need to transform into something that I was not… which was out of my reach financially.

Fitness has forced me to be very real with myself. It forced me to make peace with the aspects of myself that I could not change, and to have patience with the things I could change. To accept all of them fully, as the ingredients that make me who I am. It forced me to look in the mirror and truly see myself, without hiding behind big hair or makeup or clothes… and come to terms with the fact that the uniqueness of me is what makes me truly beautiful. There's no one in the entire world exactly like me. And that, in itself, is perfection.

At my "worst," I was only 187lbs and needed to lose 52lbs to meet my fitness goals. In my mind, I was way heavier than 187lbs. What was truly weighing me down was my state of mind. I needed to believe that I could be comfortable in my own body. I needed to believe that I was fully capable of undergoing all of the grueling physical, mental and emotional challenges in order to meet and sustain my goals. I needed to understand that it was my own mind, my own programming that needed to change before anything else would follow. I also needed to understand that losing weight would not change who I am. That I could be as emotionally unstable at 135lbs as I was at 187lbs if I didn't do the work to change how I felt about myself. I needed to understand that the things that I once thought were soothing me, such as alcohol and sweets, were only truly masking and adding to the problem. That self-medicating was not the answer. That hiding from the mirror was not the answer. That having a man tell me how beautiful I am, was not the answer. That finding an excuse to have alcohol with every meal was not the answer. I was destroying myself.

All of this needed to happen to truly appreciate where I am today. I thank God for the version of me that was so broken that I had no choice but to find today's version of me. I thank God for those moments when I would look on the side of my bed and hope that my kids wouldn't notice my empty beer bottle collection, and wonder to myself what kind of message am I sending to my children? I thank God for those days that I looked in the mirror and was completely disgusted and turned off by my own body. I thank God for the big hair, the makeup and filters that I hid behind. I thank God for hitting rock bottom. At rock bottom, the only place to go is up.

Today I still struggle with body dysmorphia at times, but I am happy to say that EYE AM WINNING THAT BATTLE. Going through the different phases of my fitness journey (cutting season vs. bulking season) does not invalidate all of the hard work and effort and personal transformations that perpetuated the process of learning to love myself again. I do not need to have the most snatched waist and flattest tummy 365 days a year in order to be considered "fit." I do not need to be your "body goals" 365 days a year. My face does not have to be perfectly slim in order to be beautiful. My back does not have to be perfectly toned in order to meet the image, in my mind, of the perfect gym body. I do not have to be the most desirable person in the gym. What matters more than anything is how I feel about myself. The pride that I feel now when I look in the mirror and see how far I've come, physically emotionally and spiritually. I love myself today more than I ever have in my life. I thank God for the journey, for the broken versions of me, for the terrible decisions I've made, and for protecting me through it all. The journey to self-love.

This is my most honest and personal entry yet. I hope that this inspires you and touches your heart. It was painful, yet therapeutic to write. And if you're not there yet, I pray that God empowers you and strengthens you to start your journey of truly finding love.

And yes, Seanice, I am from Africa... and so are you.

Until next time, my amazing and worthy friends… be well.

Love,

Danielle